The holidays can be tough for singles. Valentine’s is the obvious culprit, but truly they all have a romantic and couple-y feel that can leave us a little worn out. There can be several reasons for this.
For one thing, holidays are annual affairs that can easily serve as grim milestones: it’s not just Easter, but another Spring without a relationship; it’s not just Halloween but the memory of a couples costume with a pervious partner.
They can also be difficult because celebrations are often built around a romantic vibe. Mistletoe, New Year’s Eve kisses, and the like, can feel cruel if they serve as reminders of exclusion or objects of jealousy. Not only that but when turkey dinner turns into an overnight, often the couples get the proper guest accommodations while the singles are left to make do with air mattresses and sofa cushions. It’s hard to enjoy a holiday when you feel you don’t have a place.
And of course, there is family. Both the reminder of the one we may not have, and the guilt spread by the one we do.
How are you still single? Why haven’t you brought a nice girl home yet? Don’t wait until you’re too old to give me grandchildren! Are you being too picky? Have you tried online dating? Maybe you’re not looking hard enough! Nothing says, “Happy Holidays” like a hearty helping of relationship guilt.
If you face this kind of pressure as a single (or if you’re guilty of spreading these messages) you might want to check out or share my 1 minute video PSA to families and friends of singles before heading into this holiday season.
Apart from that I think there are a few things singles can do to navigate the stigma of singleness during the holidays:
1) Remind yourself about all the things you have going for you!
Don’t let the family-obsession of holidays make you forget all of the other components that make up a life: career, travel, volunteerism, financial goals, athletic accomplishments, hobbies, interests, friendships, spiritual depth, etc. Try changing the conversation to any and all of the above and demonstrate to your loved ones how to connect beyond romance.
2) Don’t be afraid to start your own rituals and traditions based on your lifestyle.
Maybe before you head over to Nana’s for roasted ham, you could sneak in a manicure or a round of golf. Perhaps after Christmas Eve service, you open a special bottle of your favourite expensive wine. Maybe the airplane ride home for Easter is when you splurge on a new book. It could be this is the year to start booking a fancy hotel instead of sleeping on the couch. Maybe you take a break from the family thing for a holiday that you choose to spend with friends. Regardless of what it is, how can you build positive associations and self-care into holiday rhythms? Even more, how can you work on celebrating your life and accomplishments outside of holidays, so that you don’t enter the season feeling deprived?
3) Balance advocacy and service.
Sometimes as singles we need to stick up for ourselves. There are moments to say, “I don’t appreciate that question,” or, “I have value outside of a relationship,” or, “I’m not sitting at the kids table this year,” or, “I’m spending New Years with my friends,” and there are times to let love bridge the gap between our needs and others’ intentions. As singles we are uniquely positioned to see beyond the busyness of family life to the heart of what is going on. Sometimes we champion this vision with expressed boundaries, and other times we let offences go for the sake of serving those we care about.
4) Remember your worth.
You are infinitely valuable regardless of your relationship status. Your life has purpose, and meaning, and significance.
As you grow in your capacity to find contentment in being single, you will be able to influence those around you to realize that your singleness isn’t a problem they need to fix.
How might your approach to singleness be impacting your life and faith this holiday season? Subscribe below to receive the “What type of single are you?” quiz and gain insights about increasing your contentment as a single.